Every year, right around Halloween, I start looking forward to Christmas. Then, as it gets closer, the familiar feelings begin again. The feelings of inadequacy. Yup, here's what I do best - throw myself a big ole pity party. I should be thankful for my health and well-being. Yup, this is true enough. So, other than reasons of pure selfishness, what exactly is my problem...
I can't muster up the desire to decorate my house or bake anything. I suppose if I really, really loved all of this, I could just do it for myself. Who else cares, I wonder? Not Bill, who can't seem to leave the house fast enough these days. Between his side copper and metal jobs, car restorations and the four or five odd hobbies he's involved in, he is never around. Mandy won't be home until December 23rd. She just sent me an e-mail containing links to several websites. My task is to order specific items for her to give her cousins and friends for Christmas. Hmmm... so much for the hours spent at the Galleria and Boulevard Malls... It didn't hit home until she presented me with all of these cyberlinks. So practical, so necessary, so.... from a distance. Internet shopping - I guess that's a task I can handle., something that I'm actually good at.
"Task".... sometimes a word that I've grown to hate. Is it possible that at the end of my life, I will be judged not by kindnesses bestowed or courtesies extended, not by the love in my heart or by the love others feel for me, but rather by a long and tedious list of tasks spanning my entire life? I'm pretty sure I will be in big trouble, if that's the case. Every year at this time, I see everyone around me moving in a perpetual whirlwind of preparations. I hear about it everywhere, read about it on Facebook, and I guess I don't know if I'm jealous or what. Jealous that I don't have an ounce of creativity in me to actually do anything interesting, jealous that I just can't seem to muster up a reason to do any of these holiday "tasks". I do an excellent job of pretending that I'm on this Christmas who-ha bandwagon. Nobody would ever guess that I'm going through the motions and doing as little as possible to keep up appearances. The really interesting thing is that I feel like I have so much more free time and so much less stress than everybody else with all of their tasks, but what am I supposed to do with all of this glorious free time? Who am I supposed to be spending it with? Do task-driven people ever actually really enjoy the holiday season? Or are they just relieved when they can sit down and breathe? Isn't there a happy medium somewhere?
So Christmas is really depressing for some people. I guess every year, I get bit closer to understanding that than I did the year before.