It's been a while. Funny, my last few posts were around holiday time last year. The Christmas holidays suck. Plain and simple. What is the cause of this lack of enthusiasm... ? As usual, I had to go back to my childhood to find the answer. Only this time, it's my current life that is wanting in comparison. I remember wanting one or two things from "Santa", and I usually got them, and life was ok. There were friends and family that we saw infrequently, for whatever reason, but we always made time for one another during the holidays. That was what I looked forward to the most every year.
My adult life mirrored this for many years. Then, one by one, the people who I looked forward to seeing each December stopped showing up for all sorts of reasons. Reasons entirely valid, entirely understandable, and entirely painful. So, I suppose it's time for me to put on my big girl panties and get on with my life. The trouble is that I need to find some sort of coping mechanism that does not involve tears. What might that be? I can't muster up the energy to decorate a house that a total of six people, including myself, will see....... only on Christmas day - no more, no less. I can't bring myself to care about the outside of my house. I just don't see the point. Baking? A lot of muss and fuss for the benefit of whom? Cards. A subject entirely unto itself as a pointless ritual. I know that Christmas is supposed to be about the birth of Christ. A religious holiday. In addition to celebrating in our local places of worship, what better way can there be to celebrate than with the people we care about the most in this world? What better way is there to represent Christ than to cherish the presence of friends and family? So, my question is ... if that ability is severely diminished, then what is the point of the 24-hour Christmas music on the radio starting before Thanksgiving or "Black Friday" or the elaborate decorations inside and out? What is the point????? Thank God for Christmas Eve... another topic entirely unto itself.
I struggle again this year with the anger. Childish and unreasonable anger at the people who are no longer willing or able to join us in celebration. Anger at people who seem to be constantly and utterly consumed with holiday preparations each year...... or is it jealousy that these people actually have a purpose when I have none? Anger that my child is 7 hours away and can't come home until December 22nd. Wellllllllll ..... I may never have a solution. My goal will be to count down the days until January 2nd when life as we know it will resume sort of state of normalcy. I have a terrible poker face, but I must smile and play along so that I don't become any more of a kill joy than I already am. It just gets harder every year. I really should just swear off of Facebook until December 31st so as to avoid the barrage of status updates regaling me with lists of holiday tasks accomplished, huge Christmas dinners involving scads of relatives , pictures of elaborately decorated houses, etc ,etc... I may be a ridiculous humbug, but I do not want to be a masochist. Yes, that is what I will do. Every time I am tempted to scan through Facebook, I will blog. I don't know if this will solve anything other than keeping me from verbally assaulting someone, but I guess it's a start. I'm sure I'll be checking back in here soon.